Eruptions

This is a picture of the volcano in Guatemala.
Pacaya.
Not so far from Jack
that thick black ash has covered the landscape.
It erupted on a week that has had me thinking a lot about Jack.
It was two years ago this week that he opened the thick envelope from Salt Lake.
In all my wildest imaginations...
I never even came close to guessing Guatemala.
It was a hard time in my life...two years ago.
There were things happening that I have not written or recorded,
And may very well never.
But waiting for Jack's mission call was a bright spot.
But when it was opened and he read the words,
Guatemala
My world started spinning.
I kept a smile on my face but my mind was racing.
I knew nothing about Guatemala
Except that it was in Central America.
I knew nothing about Central America
except that it was dangerous.
I had never heard anyone express a desire to visit there or live there.
It was not a coveted vacation spot.
I tried to keep the smile plastered on my face while searching my sons eyes for his reaction.
What were his real thoughts? What did he know about Guatemala? Was he excited? Was he scared?
I couldn't tell.
Did his smile hide that same thoughts that mine did?

Jack is my pleaser child.
Every since he was born he has tried to figure out what I wanted from him
and then do it.
He hated any sadness or disapproval or worry in my eyes.
I never had to raise my voice because just a look from me was enough.
I in turn try to hide my fears and worries from him as well.
It is a delicate dance
between
my son
and
I.

I did what every missionary mother does.
I went to the internet to read about this place.
This place that would be my son's temporary two year home.
It was not a good idea.
Beside the obvious third world conditions
there was crime,
a country that had only been decades past civil unrest.
and there was natural disaster potential a plenty.
Hurricanes, mudslides, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions....
You get the picture.
I tried to picture his living conditions.
I talked to other missionary mothers who became my angels...
They told me stories that were not available to be googled
of sons currently serving that loved it so much that they didn't want to come home.
Pictures of fresh faced smiling young men looking like they were on the adventure of their lives.
I felt better.
But still....
I cried.....
over simple things
I cried in the shower every morning because I had hot water.
How could I shower with hot water when my son would not always be able to?
I would tear up in grocery stores,
wondering how I would be able to walk by so much plenty with all his favorite foods,
and when I locked the door at night I wondered how I could
EVER feel like he would be safe.
I really wasn't sure that I could do this.
I felt at times like I was brittle.
And ready to crack.
But I didn't want Jack to see that side.
And so I smiled.
And so did he.

It is two years later.....
And I am smiling.
But it is real this time.
As I read about the volcano Pacaya
erupting.
I did not.
erupt.
I did not even feel worried.
I had an incredible feeling of peace and calm.
I didn't even have to ask for it.
The blessing was already in place.
The blessing of knowing that my son is being cared for by someone who knows his needs
better than I.
Who knows that hot water or snacks do not bring happiness.
He knows where my son is and how to keep him safe.
He knows me
and my needs.
And so I am smiling for real and telling those who ask me how Elder Winn is doing....
I say,
"Great and you should see his pictures because in every one he is smiling."
And I don't have to even try to guess what type of smile it is.
It is amazingly obvious to all.
And I am not worried.
And that my dear friends, if you know me very well....
is a miracle.